Hi @karen4,
Thank you for this honest question and reflection on scripture.
I don’t know exactly what your Christian experiences have been, but I want to share some things from my own journey that have caused me to doubt God’s love, even when my desire was simply to draw closer to Him. I hope some of it will be helpful to you.
After coming to faith in Christ, I experienced God’s care in profound ways and came to believe that God loved me, and that His love for me is not dependent on my ability to live righteously. Yet, in the years that followed, I struggled to believe this truth for a variety of reasons.
Because of my longing for a strong Christian community, I befriended Christians who said mostly the right things doctrinally, came from missionary families, and had an interest in being involved in ministry. Yet, their character did not reflect the love of Christ. I remember being met with harsh criticism about my faith, my personality, and my understanding of God’s Word, no matter how hard I tried. Over time, I internalized some of that criticism, doubting my own faith. I thought God saw me the same way as these immature Christians, and I attributed some of the difficult circumstances of my life to God disciplining me. As a result, it became harder to approach God and harder to live with the freedom and joy that the Bible talks about. These kinds of experiences, coupled with the natural difficulties that arose when trying to assimilate into a foreign country having grown up in India in a hindu context, felt like an uphill battle to find Christian community and to heal from emotional damage.
Several things helped me along the way to make progress toward spiritual health. It began with being honest with God in prayer, meditating on God’s character as revealed in the Bible, processing the harsh criticisms I received through the lens of Scripture, meeting godly, loving Christians, and growing in my understanding of God’s Word to recognize some false teachings and practices. Meditating on past experiences of God’s faithfulness has also been very helpful during those seasons of emotional pain and loneliness when I didn’t feel God’s love. I strove hard to hold tight to what little I knew to be true when much around me felt confusing. I had to learn to challenge negative thought patterns, either with logic or Scripture. For example, if I wondered why God wasn’t more present in guiding me, I had to remind myself that He was present. It was He who helped me realize when it was time to end hurtful relationships, it was He who allowed miracles early on in my Christian journey, and it is He who is helping me learn from my bad experiences.
Certain bible verses have been instrumental in helping me get back on my feet. It all started when I read Jesus’s words in Matthew 11:28-30:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” It was then that I realized my Christian walk was feeling burdensome because I had been listening to the wrong people. I needed to go to God with all my questions. He only wanted to relieve me of my burdens. He loved me.
Secondly, I had to make some major decisions to end certain Christian relationships that were harmful to me. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?”
Though this verse applies to unbelievers in its original context, I think it can also apply to Christians who may harm others emotionally, physically, or spiritually, as that’s not how believers are supposed to behave. Forgiveness that the Bible speaks of doesn’t have to mean reconciliation when there is no repentance.
If you’re struggling to feel God’s love, I want to encourage you to believe that it can change. It’s important to press on in faith, seeking out those who will walk alongside you, and allowing yourself space and time to heal. God loves you, even in the midst of your doubts. Even when we are faithless, He promises to be faithful (2 Timothy 2:13). I am praying for you.