Hi, my name is Samantha. I am new to the group. My theological question requires a little bit of background explanation. In early August, my divorce will be finalized with my abusive husband. He was mentally, emotionally, and nearly physically abusive to me. Our entire relationship was predicated on lies. He was a con man along with being excessively jealous, controlling and angry. My pastor says that it’s ok with the Lord that I divorce such a man, but I have to remain single for the rest of my life. I cannot remarry. Otherwise, I commit adultery. I love the Lord with all that I am, but isn’t that rather harsh? Or I can go back to my abusive husband. This has come up for me because I have found a neighbor whose company I enjoy. He is kind, empathetic, funny, and respects me. He loves the Lord as well. Help! I need to know the truth about this situation.
Hi @samantha1,
I grieve the suffering you’ve endured in an abusive marriage. It sounds like a very tangled and painful situation. His abuse and habitual lying reveal that he is not a Christian, whatever he might say about any faith.
I would read 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 to say that, through his abuse, he has revealed himself to be an unbeliever who has effectively left the marriage covenant. I think in this case, you are called to live in peace.
So I support your decision to get a divorce and free yourself from him.
Whether remarriage after divorce is allowed or forbidden, you can find theologians who argue for both positions. It is a difficult ethical question.
One of the primary reasons that it is so hard to resolve is the very high value that the Scriptures place upon marriage as a lifelong bond. So there are many discouragements against adultery, divorce, and remarriage.
Think about it this way. Imagine a selfish man who doesn’t like his wife. It’s not a good reason; he simply wants to get rid of her. He has the money, the power, and the ability to do so. Perhaps he is also having an affair with someone more to his preferences. So he conjures up a reason to divorce her and marry his paramour. To protect his first wife, the Scriptures want to guard against this. Especially in the social context for the people in the Bible, to be an unmarried adult woman was extremely vulnerable, as there were very few economic opportunities available to someone in this situation. It was even worse to be a divorced adult woman. Any good Biblical ethics will see the ethical value and importance of protecting the vulnerable from how they can be harmed by the strong.
Perhaps the main passage to wrestle with is Matthew 19:3-9.
Dr. William Heth, a professor of New Testament and Greek at Taylor University, explains the majority view of evangelical scholars on this passage like this:
Matthew sees Jesus as explaining the meaning of the law. Deuteronomy’s “some indecency” = Matthew’s “sexual immorality.” In the OT, divorce for “some indecency” identified a legally valid divorce. Valid divorces always included the right to remarry. Jesus demotes Moses’ concession in Deuteronomy and subordinates it to Genesis, but valid divorces are God’s permissive will for some innocent victims of divorce.
You can find his entire article here: http://d3pi8hptl0qhh4.cloudfront.net/documents/sbjt/sbjt_2002spring2.pdf
I think you (and possibly your pastor) might find this article helpful as Dr. Heth carefully works through the various texts on this question. In addition, he formerly argued for your pastor’s position that remarriage is never allowed after divorce, but years of study on the subject led him to change his mind to what most evangelical theologians teach.
Finally, from a place of brotherly care, as a general principle, it seems that it could be wise to have some time to heal and be whole before moving into another relationship or even marriage.
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