Three weeks ago, I had the joy of giving the homily at a wedding in a spectacular location: Livingstone, Zambia.
On the banks of the mighty Zambezi River, with the mist from the famous Mosi-oa-Tunya Falls* rising in the background, I stood before a few dozen guests and the happy couple to share my heart. I started by reading 1 Corinthians 13 to everyone at the ceremony.
Then, in the few minutes allocated to the homily, I attempted to share the secret of a happy marriage.
On the one hand, we often say we want someone who makes us happy. But over time, this results in both partners resenting the other for being incredibly selfish. Sadly, they’re both right!
So what’s the secret?
Here it is: If the husband resolves to love his wife, no matter what, and vice versa, then they will each experience a happy marriage. Paradoxically, if they both unselfishly serve the other, they’ll find their needs are met.
(A critical side note: this advice is the worst approach for an abusive marriage).
No matter how often I speak, I’m usually wondering if it went well. So, I was pleasantly surprised that many of the guests made a point to come up to me throughout the reception to thank me for how much the message had meant to them. One person told me they had recorded it on their phone and planned to watch it again and again!
As I listened to each guest share what they experienced in the homily, I noticed an interesting divergence. I sensed that for some guests, my message reinforced their commitment to continue living as a resolutely loving person. I could sense humility, kindness, and maturity in their measured words of encouragement.
But for a few guests, I sensed they appreciated the message for a different reason. They nudged their spouse, indicating they hoped I might have somehow improved their husband or wife to do a bit better!
At first, I noticed a judgmental snark in my own heart. Did you not hear what I said? Are you trying to leverage a message of unselfish love to benefit yourself? Really?
But please be honest with me.
Who wouldn’t hope that their spouse wouldn’t be improved by a message like this? If I was fully transparent, didn’t I want the same outcome for myself?
Ethics is a tricky thing. Even in our most sincere attempt to advocate for love, we can do so with a selfish heart.
As I reflected on this challenge, I recollected the wisdom of C.S. Lewis. As he put it,
No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.
After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later.
That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist.
Why are we religious? Is it to benefit ourselves? Or to serve God? What have pastors taught us that truly helps us thrive? And where do we need to disentangle what we’ve learned to see Jesus more clearly?
I invite you to pray about these questions. You can discuss them with a couple of friends in your church. Either way, we can trust God to transform us, step by step, to be like Christ.
After all, God knows the challenge of changing inwardly focused sinners into fully alive saints — that’s why he paid the price of ultimate love and died on the cross for our sins.
Sometimes, the ‘secret’ is right in front of us. The best way to have a happy marriage is for both the husband and the wife to steadfastly focus on loving their spouse in light of God’s love for them.
(* The Mosi-oa-Tunya Falls are often known as Victoria Falls, but I wanted to honor the local name).