In my early days as a Christian, I was passionate about sharing my faith and defending it against any opposing views. Whether I said it or not, I believed that apologetics was all about knowing more than others and being persuasive in my arguments. I feared the embarrassment of being unable to answer questions about my faith.
Little did I realize that this mindset led me down a path of pride, rudeness, and a lack of compassion toward others. Whenever I experienced rejection because of my arrogant approach to showing off how much I knew, there was a ready explanation: sometimes Christians suffer for their righteousness. This excuse prevented me from recognizing my mistakes and hindered my growth.
Even as I read 1 Peter 3:15-16, which clearly says we are to be gentle and respectful, I took that part for granted! Instead, I focused more on being āready at any time to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason.ā I spent far more time learning answers than asking questions.
I needed to learn how to āregard Christ the Lord as holy.ā If my greatest desire had been to honor God, and to live a holy life, then I might have had an earlier conviction of my sin.
Thankfully, over time, I began to see the error in my ways. Whether it was getting married, having kids, or God slowly working in me, I realized how important it is to care about other peopleās feelings.
As I reflect on my past mistakes, I want to share some lessons Iāve learned about what true apologetics looks like and how to embody gentleness and kindness in our conversations.
First, prioritize love over winning arguments.
There was a season when I thought this was weak advice! Iām ashamed to admit it, but there was a time when I thought this was the kind of advice that unintelligent people say, to give them an excuse for not āloving God with all their minds.ā
But now I see that loving someone is much more complicated than having the upper hand in an argument. Anyone can master some syllogisms. But steadily attending to the needs of others? That requires Godās work in our hearts. Love is more intellectually demanding than the weightiest philosophical tomes.
I had to reckon with the challenge Jesus gave us. He puts it plainly: love your neighbor as yourself. That includes those with whom we disagree. We must remember that our ultimate goal is to share Godās love, not to win debates.
Second, listen actively and empathetically.
In my quest to be persuasive, I often failed to listen to others and their viewpoints. Active listening is crucial in engaging in meaningful conversations about faith. It shows that we genuinely care about the other personās thoughts and feelings. It creates a safe environment for open dialogue.
Thereās a well-known aphorism: no one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. I have to ask myself: am I desperate for an opportunity to tell someone what Iāve learned? Or am I curious to see how God is already at work in their life?
Third, embrace humility.
The habit of studying āwhy we are rightā can develop arrogance. It can foster a community where we feel we are better, more intelligent, or more deserving than others. As we celebrate Christian heroes and denigrate atheist thinkers, we start to disregard the feelings of people who donāt know Christ.
But humility is critical in apologetics because it is critical to the Christian life. We become Christians by acknowledging that we are creatures accountable to our Creator. We confess that we fall short of our standards and Godās standards. We plead for Godās forgiveness and restoration. We invite the Holy Spirit to live within us and make us new.
Our experience of Godās love ought to undermine our inflated self-importance.
As we depend on God, we are willing to admit that we donāt have all the answers. We are open to learning from others. Recognizing our limitations can help us be more gentle and kind in our conversations. We approach others with a desire to learn from them rather than merely prove them wrong.
Sometimes Iāll say, āI donāt want to convince you of anything. I donāt think I can, and I donāt think I should. Instead, I want to seek the truth with you. I believe the truth is found in Jesus. But you donāt. And for me, thatās the start of an exciting conversation.ā
Fourth, seek wisdom and discernment.
While itās essential to be knowledgeable about our faith, we must also seek wisdom and discernment in our conversations.
Knowledge is gaining information about what the Bible teaches and why it is true. But owning and reading many books is very different from having good friends and enjoying open-ended conversations!
Part of a mature faith is understanding when to speak and when to remain silent. It means we are considerate of others. For instance, we tailor our responses to the unique needs and concerns of the individual weāre talking with.
Finally, stay curious about what God is doing.
Apologetics is not just a human endeavor but a spiritual one. Iām imperfectly attempting to practice Godās presence - to know that God is my Friend all day, every day.
I hope that one day I will automatically ask for Godās guidance and the right words to say as I talk about my faith. This is what it looks like to trust that the Holy Spirit is at work in and through my life - and in the lives of those around me.
Iām curious about what youāve learned in this area. Iād love to hear your stories and wisdom.
I have to laugh now, because I am able to look back and see how I was.