Hi @thomas7,
Thank you for asking such an honest and good question.
From as soon as I thought about marriage until I got engaged, I asked the same question! Often multiple times a day. You may have waited shorter or longer than me (I got married when I was 29), but it felt like an eternity.
I remember being especially frustrated when I went on a date with someone, and either I didn’t feel it was right, or more often, when she didn’t feel it was a good fit. It was a discouraging season.
There are so many factors why it can take a long time, that it’s hard to answer this question.
For instance, if we rarely meet new potential marriage partners, it is going to take longer than if we are regularly interacting and getting to know people who are also looking for marriage.
In addition to our social situation, whether we like it or not, we are all evaluating potential marriage partners - and they are evaluating us. Our health, economic situation, attractiveness, emotional maturity, charisma, character, and commitment to Christ are all factors that someone might consider.
I’ve heard it said, “Become like the person you want to marry.” Whatever our expectations are for our spouse, they probably have at least the same standards for their spouse, so one of the most effective actions we can take is to improve ourselves. (I’ve found it very difficult to improve other people!)
As to whether or not God plans and helps us find the right person, I think the honest, Biblical answer to that is: it depends. It’s a question we can only answer in retrospect.
If we get married to the right person, we can thank God for orchestrating the details and enabling it to happen. It’s a gift of grace, and it’s appropriate to thank God for the invaluable role he played in enabling us to enjoy a happy, loving marriage centered on following Jesus.
On the other hand, not everyone who wants to get married, gets married. And that is a painful reality, where the costs keep adding up: missing being a parent, and then a grandparent, and so on.
Still, in a culture that valued marriage and family even more than we do, the Apostle Paul clearly taught that both singleness and marriage can honor the Lord (see especially 1 Corinthians 7:25-40), almost preferring singleness (and single-minded devotion to the Lord) to marriage.
There are a lot of ‘prosperity’ messages in our culture. ‘If you do this for God, then God will do that for you.’ It’s often around money: Give to God and he’ll repay you 10x. But the same idea is there for marriage: Serve God and he’ll take care of you by providing a wife (or husband).
But I know that’s not true. First, some of the most loyal, faithful servants of Christ in my life are not married but single, and not because they chose celibacy! For some, it’s a lifelong singleness; for others, it came after divorce or death. For others, it was an intentional decision to be celibate as they considered how they could most faithfully honor God with their bodies.
However, here’s the promise we can count on: God will be with us,God has a plan to make us like Christ, and one day, God will meet all our needs for emotional intimacy, forever.
When we are yearning for marriage, I know from experience the promises of the gospel can, at times, feel like a bucket of cold water poured on the head.
At the same time, there is nothing sweeter, or more fulfilling, than to know God’s love, and to participate in God’s purposes. Whether or not marriage is in your future, there are no restrictions on responding to God’s grace, building Christian friendships, and making the most of every day to serve the Lord.
Ironically, sometimes it is when marriage is not the burning desire of our lives, because we are so fulfilled by his presence, our Christian friendships, and our meaningful service in his kingdom, that we find ourselves getting to know someone else who is running in the same direction… and one thing leads to another, and we get married. But again, I have to emphasize this is by no means a guarantee. However, it is a good reason to invest in your walk with God, and I hope it gives you some hope as you consider what to prioritize!
I know this can be a frustrating challenge… my heart goes out to you, and I hope this offers you a little bit of encouragement. I look forward to hearing back from you, and learning from others.